Part 1: I have been dying
// unknown variables and a blue screen
I call how my brain works “the spiral.” Time spirals. The Fibonacci sequence spirals. The flower of life spirals. And so do my thoughts. So, I wasn’t surprised when I decided to revive this account and write a cryptic note, in the middle of the night on a Scorpio full moon.
“I have been dying. Not literally. But a version no longer exists in this realm and in this dimension. The Scorpio full moon is today. Apparently, a day for reflection. More soon.
// between code & conscience”
Something has been ending for a while now, I just didn’t have the words for it. So of course “the spiral” surfaced that thought during a pivotal celestial time and at a meaningful moment.
What parts of you are secretly dying? What parts of you can you release? I’ve been unknowingly sitting with those questions for months.
You feel and think differently without understanding it. You feel strange to yourself before anyone else notices. Maybe you’re too busy, too tired or too stressed to notice. Cortisol has a way of hiding the deeper meaning in life. Cortisol overload is a part of the program.
Your mother or good friend calls and you notice more gaps in the conversation. Why can’t you connect with your loved-ones in the same way?
Someone asks you a simple question, and you give them a heady response... A quote from a philosopher you learned about years ago. Something that leaves you both a little confused.
The first time I knew I had changed, I remember saying “money is a construct” to someone in conversation.
You look out the window and think “what if the world really is a stage?” And a great sadness bubbles to the surface of your consciousness, followed by a great exhale.
If the world is a stage, I can be anyone I desire.
What an electrifying and equally terrifying thought that pulls you closer and whispers “welcome.”
Death comes in waves.
Waves flow with the moon and curve like spirals. The sea is beautiful and dangerous. It can be refreshing or it can drown you. It’s teeming with life and abundance. Rain is like a caress that makes you remember you are alive, but too much rain can flood a village and topple city dam walls. What type of wave will greet me in the morning or leave me restless when I desire to sleep tonight?
Integration looks like gathering the strength to scramble eggs or shower. It’s feeling good one day and awful the next. It’s smiling at someone you don’t like and then questioning why you smiled later when you’re alone.
It’s like a rollercoaster.
It’s thinking you see signs and then questioning if the signs are even real.
It’s styling your hair in a different way that feels like home. Or not answering the phone when someone calls. Or letting things that normally matter fall away while you find hundreds of things that feel more present and important — more resonant.
It’s seeing signs and honoring the signs.
Dying a true death is reaffirming. It’s no longer looking for signs, because you have become the signal.
You hoped it would be the last time. But somehow you realize it’s not.
And then a wave of gratitude passes — maybe you weren’t quite done living anyway.
Death is scary, but so is life.
// welcome.
// between code & conscience
